some thoughts and emotions

Last May Glenn and I started trying to have a baby. We were very excited and thought it would happen right away. I expected that I would be very close to meeting our little bundle right now. But it didn't happen. By about September be realized that with Glenn back in school we wouldn't be able to afford a baby. This was probably the most difficult realization for me because I have wanted nothing more than to be a mother. So, we stopped trying....and a few weeks later I suddenly had 10 friends who came up pregnant. Now, please don't misunderstand me! I am THRILLED for my friends, and I know they will make amazing mothers, and I truly believe that each of those babies is very blessed to have each of those sweet women as mothers. But I couldn't help thinking, it should have been me. I struggled for longer than I would like to admit, and still do sometimes, with self-pity and let's be honest, jealousy. With God's help I am getting over it, and had really gotten over it, until last week.

Last week Glenn came home and told me about this dual degree program that Ga Tech and Clayton State are doing that would enable him to get a Electrical Engineering degree at Tech and a Computer Science degree at Clayton State. This would enable to him to get a better job, and make a bit more money. All things that are great. However, it would also mean he would have to go to school for another year. This means that he won't be done for 4 more years. 4 more years! We will be 33 and 34 when he graduates. This also means (because I've been thinking a bit selfishly lately) that I won't be able to have a baby until I'm 33 (at least - if I can even get pregnant, but I can't go there yet or I'll completely lose it!). 33 for baby number 1. We want two kids....so I'll be even older when we have baby number 2. I have to be honest and say that I was a lot panicked at the thought of being almost 70 when my kids are only in their mid-30s. So, after being upset and talking through this with Glenn like an adult instead of a spoiled child. I first thanked him for working so hard for us, to give us a better life in a couple of years. And then we talked about the fact that when he graduates I would most likely be able to be a stay at home mom, which is what I have always wanted.

So comes the thought...will it be worth it to wait until I'm in my mid-30s to have a baby if I get to be a stay at home mom and really enjoy being a mom vs. having a baby now, and having to work extra jobs just to pay for daycare and never get to see said baby? I think yes. It's not easy to say that because what I really want is to be a mom now and for it to just work out so that I can stay home. But I realize that's not reality. And that's obviously not God's plan for us...it's just my plan. I'm still not 100% thrilled with this situation that I'm in, and i have a feeling I will have more a a few breakdowns over the next 4 years as it continues to feel like I am the only one without a baby. I just have to keep telling myself that it will be worth the wait, and that it will all work out, and keep praying that God will get me through this, because I really can't do it myself...I won't make it through these next 4 years without him.

Again, let me be clear that I AM very happy for all of my soon to be or new mommy friends! Please do not take offense to this...this is just me being honest.

the big day

Well, today was the big day...the day of my 5K. I have been look forward to/training for/having anxiety over this day for months. I went into it thinking that I was fairly prepared. I was able to run/walk two other 5Ks this week (not official ones, just me at the park), and I started at completing it in 5o minutes, the next time I shaved off some time, completing it in 47.5 minutes. My goal for today was three-fold...(1) To finish with dignity, (2) to finish in 45 minutes, and (3) to not slow my friends down. I was able to finish with dignity, but I'm afraid I did slow my friend down a bit. However, she was a great encourager, and with her encouragement I was able to finish the race in 42.5 minutes....2.5 minutes faster than my goal! Yay!!! It's been a long journey to get here, and I have an even longer one ahead of me as I continue to run and try to get in shape, and to become healthier and thinner. It's going to be a long road, and I will not give up. My race is over, but my journey is just past the starting line. I am finally starting to see some tiny results, and while it's not happening as fast as I would like for it to, I am determined not to give up until I get to where I want to be.

In conjunction with this I have started reading Beth Moore's new book So Long Insecurity. I am about a third of the way into it, and it is rocking my world...which is just what I need! I am going to blog more about that later, but if you haven't gotten the book, I HIGHLY recommend it...go get it today!! Okay, here is a before and after pic of my 5K team:

Glenn's 30th birthday part 1

This weekend Glenn's parents came to town to help him celebrate his birthday. Glenn's actual birthday is this Thursday, March 18th. He will be the big 3-0! I can't believe we are almost in our 30s...Glenn much sooner than me...but still, I'll be joining him in a year and 2 months. Crazy, cause most days we still feel like we are 18!

Anyway, Saturday night we went to dinner at Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse...let me just say....YUUUUMMMMYYY! It was super good food, and a fun atmosphere. It was like having dinner inside a very fun hunting lodge, complete with talking buffalo head. Apparently the moose is their mascot of sorts, and right in front of the restaurant, they had a giant moose made of wood. Now, I have a love for mooses (I know that's not the correct plural, it's just more fun), so we had to take a picture by that cute guy.

On our way to the restaurant we saw the most vivid, huge rainbow I have ever, ever seen. It was incredible. The picture doesn't do it justice...it was so beautiful! I like to think of if it as a little sign that the best things are yet to come, and that our 30s will be even better than our 20s. I know...it's just a rainbow, but let me have my moment! :) Here are some pics for your viewing pleasure:

Zoo date

Last Saturday, Glenn and I went to the Atlanta Zoo. It was Educator Appreciation Day, so I got in free and we got a discount on Glenn's ticket....yay for super cheap trip to the zoo! We haven't been to the zoo together since we were first dating, in fact, the zoo is where Glenn first referred to me as his girlfriend. It was sweet. :)

So anyway, we just took our time wandering through and looking at everything we wanted to see. We spent a long time in the reptile house because Glenn wanted to see them feed the viper....I was not so thrilled, and I could have lived my whole life without seeing that...but he enjoyed it. The zoo was super crowded, but we were still able to see everything we wanted to see and only had to wait a minute or two for people to move along. It was a really fun day, and I'm glad we had the opportunity to go and spend the whole day just being big kids. After the zoo we went to have ice cream, which is always fun! :) Here are some picture for your viewing pleasure!