Last week Glenn came home and told me about this dual degree program that Ga Tech and Clayton State are doing that would enable him to get a Electrical Engineering degree at Tech and a Computer Science degree at Clayton State. This would enable to him to get a better job, and make a bit more money. All things that are great. However, it would also mean he would have to go to school for another year. This means that he won't be done for 4 more years. 4 more years! We will be 33 and 34 when he graduates. This also means (because I've been thinking a bit selfishly lately) that I won't be able to have a baby until I'm 33 (at least - if I can even get pregnant, but I can't go there yet or I'll completely lose it!). 33 for baby number 1. We want two kids....so I'll be even older when we have baby number 2. I have to be honest and say that I was a lot panicked at the thought of being almost 70 when my kids are only in their mid-30s. So, after being upset and talking through this with Glenn like an adult instead of a spoiled child. I first thanked him for working so hard for us, to give us a better life in a couple of years. And then we talked about the fact that when he graduates I would most likely be able to be a stay at home mom, which is what I have always wanted.
So comes the thought...will it be worth it to wait until I'm in my mid-30s to have a baby if I get to be a stay at home mom and really enjoy being a mom vs. having a baby now, and having to work extra jobs just to pay for daycare and never get to see said baby? I think yes. It's not easy to say that because what I really want is to be a mom now and for it to just work out so that I can stay home. But I realize that's not reality. And that's obviously not God's plan for us...it's just my plan. I'm still not 100% thrilled with this situation that I'm in, and i have a feeling I will have more a a few breakdowns over the next 4 years as it continues to feel like I am the only one without a baby. I just have to keep telling myself that it will be worth the wait, and that it will all work out, and keep praying that God will get me through this, because I really can't do it myself...I won't make it through these next 4 years without him.
Again, let me be clear that I AM very happy for all of my soon to be or new mommy friends! Please do not take offense to this...this is just me being honest.
4 comments:
This was a nice post. I know how bad you want a baby but trust me when I say it will be well worth the wait when you can buy that baby everything you want for him/her. God has a plan for you and it will happen in His time and I think when you least expect it. It is okay to have these feelings you are human. You and Glenn need to enjoy being married and enjoy your time together. Look on the bright side you will have friends with babies you can borrow and then still get a good nights sleep!! Love ya!!
Rachel
first of all, i know you're dealing/dealt with some tough decisions- ones that we had to think of for a bit too. but to put it in to perspective too- sometimes God wants to put you through tough times for a reason and if He wants you to have a child, it'll happen :) trust me, as a now soon to be residents wife who is pregnant and due the first week of his residency- i definately would say i didn't have this in "my plan". i also would not plan on living off just matt's salary (making what a teacher makes but working 80 hrs a week :)) but, similar to your situation- if we waited for the "perfect" time- financially that will never happen with mega student loans to pay off, etc, and I would always make some excuse as to why we just couldn't do it now....but- then we prayed and really felt that if a purpose of us getting married was to have children- why keep it from maybe happening just for "convenience" because it's one, if not the biggest blessing God gives us in our lifetime!
matt won't be done with his training now for SEVEN more years- we'll be friggin 36! so when we did the number crunching like you guys did - we'd be almost 40 and starting a family! plus- you never know how long it would take to get preggo- could take 2+ years ya know? (and who knows what'll happen by then too- job loss? other finanical or family issues? ya never know :)) i'm not trying to convince you to change your plan now- but if it's a desire of your heart to be a mom- and you feel that God may be saying "trust Me"- then the finances will work out (mind you today's society is geared towards having all the name brands and every gadget imaginable for kids, which = $$$! there are some necessities- but the other is just fluff- our grandparents didn't have 1/2 the crap we have and they turned out just fine :) plus can we say consignment shopping!? yes!
anyways........long rant and i realize this is only my opinion (which you know i'm good at giving :) sorry). but i know exactly where you're coming from- and i still have those feelings now that i am expecting of 'how the crap are we gonna do this?!" but this is also when i learn to just trust God more than ever- and not be the OCD/planner self that I usually am! and i'm writing this as we're in st louis, looking at houses, realizing how tight it will really be- but at the same time we'd have it no other way.
It'll work out cuz it always does :) love ya girl :)
I first want to say that I always appreciate your raw emotional honesty in your posts.
I also want to give you my insight on a working mom and a stay at home mom since I've done both. They are both hard in their own way. Working was hard for me because I hated thinking that I was missing out on something (the firsts of everything!) So, I asked daycare not to tell me if he did something new so I could be blissfully unaware. But staying at home isn't a cake walk either. I miss talking to people that talk back, without them throwing stuff at me when they are frustrated. Or hitting my leg when they want me to go somewhere. Ah the terrible 2's. haha.
And yes, you can have a baby and enjoy them without having EVERYTHING that the baby stores tell you that you absolutely need! At the end of the day, they just need diapers, food and clothes. And lots and lots of love. Everything else is just extra.
It's a tough decision, but there have been sooo many people tell me that there is no perfect time. You can try and plan as much as possible, but sometimes (like we all know) God loves to throw us a curveball to remind us that He is in control.
And no matter what the next few years bring you, I'll just continue to pray that you find peace in your decisions, no matter how hard they may be to make, and in God's plan for your life! Love ya!
oh and Will is already knocking on 40's door. lol. So if we want any more, he'll be almost retired by the time they graduate high school. lol.
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