Confessions of a Wannabe

Since this is a new year, a new decade, and a fresh beginning, I have been thinking about the things I want to be...so bear with me, there are a few, and this may get more introspective than you are ready for! (this starts off a little pathetic acutally...but I promise it's going somewhere!)

I have always been the chubby girl. I have always been the biggest girl in the group. This has not been easy, and I am constantly thinking about it. I LOVE my amazing, beautiful friends, but it's not always easy having amazing, beautiful friends when you feel less than amazing and definitely too fat to be beautiful....only pretty cute at most. These are harsh realities, and while they are not healthy thoughts, they are honest. Some of you might be asking yourselves, well, if you are so unhappy about it then why don't you just lose the weight. Good question. The truth is, I've tried, and failed more times than I can even begin to count. I always start off fairly gung-ho, and give up shortly after starting for 2 main reasons....(1) Working out only makes me realize how truly out of shape I am, it is not fun at.all, because it is so hard, and (2) I so desperately want to lose the weight that I get very discouraged with less than immediate results.

This leads me to the first 2 things I want to be: (1) Disciplined and (2) Thin and healthy

I have made the decision to start this program called Couch to 5K. The basic premise of the program is that it enables you to go from being a couch potato to being able to successfully run a 5K (3 miles) in 9 weeks. It takes baby steps each week, gradually increasing the time you run, and decreasing the time you walk. It's 20-30 minutes each work-out, 3 times a week. This is doable, and honestly less overwhelming than trying to squeeze in intense workouts at a gym where everyone around me is fabulously perfect, and I leave feeling worse than I did when I went in. It's just me, my new running shoes, and my neighborhood, and this certainly ups the comfort level for me. So, as a way to help motivate myself to actually follow-thru this time, I am signing up for a 5K with some friends....in 10 weeks! This will give me just enough time to complete the program....no.time.to.slack.off! It also gives me the motivation to not be the chubby girl that slows down her friends....yet again....

My hope is to sort of chart my journey over the next couple of months. No, I will not be posting my weight (I wish I didn't know what it was, I certainly don't want others knowing this information!) I will say it's "holy crap, that's ridiculous"! Hopefully I can move it to "wow, that's still not good" down to "Eh, not too bad", and finally to "yay! That is pretty good!" But more than that, I want my clothes to fit better (being in smaller clothing would be awesome), I want to be healthier, and I don't want to be the chubby girl anymore.

Okay, on to the next thing I want to be: (3) Proud of who I am no matter how I look in the mirror.

In case you haven't noticed, my self-esteem could use some work. I attribute my lack of self-esteem to many things, mostly internal, but also due to some external factors. Such as, it feels like EVERYONE is thin....everywhere you look you are confronted with why it's beautiful to be thin, and if you are over a single digit size there is something wrong with you, and you are to either to be pitied, made fun of, or - even worse - be subjected to the single digit size people around you talk about how fat they are while you look at them and think (seriously...if you are fat, then what on earth am I?!) I am not saying this to offend anyone, and I realize that even thin girls don't always have the best self-esteem....it's just extremely unsettling to listen to thin people talk about how fat they are, because I think to myself, "if they think they are fat, what must they think of me?" However, I also realize that thin people don't want to listen to fat girls state the obvious, because it's uncomfortable....and let's be honest, no one likes to listen to people degrade themselves. So, I'm going to work on stopping. I'm going to work on realizing that God made me who I am, and while it is my fault that I have let myself get this overweight, I was obviously not meant to be a size 2.

I moved from feeling down on myself and determined to change my appearance, to still being determined to make changes while learning to love who I am, and accept that being beautiful has much more to do with who I am, than how I look, or the size of my pants. I stumbled across this blog today -http://operationbeautiful.com/ and I was sobbing as I read about this. A dear, sweet girl named Caitlyn has started Operation Beautiful. She is making an effort to stop all of the fat talk among women (no matter what their size), by posting random notes in public with simple messages like "You're Beautiful", or "The mirror does not define who you are" or "Wow! You look fabulous today!" I think I may join the bandwagon...so be looking for notes. I think it is a GREAT idea, and I encourage you all to do it! You never know how much this might mean to someone.

So, my last wannabe of this post: (4) I want to be beautiful

inside.....

If you are still reading this - bless you! Here's to a great 2010!

You are beautiful!

PS - I did not post this as a means to fish for compliments or to have people tell me I'm not fat....It was just some stuff that was on my mind, and I wanted to get it out. Thanks for indulging me. :)